Listen Up!

Posted on January 26, 2010 12:00 AM MST by Tiffany Kinerson

“…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak….” James 1:19

My friend, Karol, is a great listener. As I’ve observed her in conversations, I’ve begun to take note of the specific non-verbal pointers she teaches through day-to-day interactions. Here are the top three, as they come to my mind:

#1—She seems to care about what’s going on in the other person’s life. When my husband came home from a mission trip recently, Karol was the only one who actually asked to see his pictures and hear his stories. Not that I think surrendering yourself to 500 slides of your friend’s latest exploits is a requirement, it’s just that she really wanted to give him a chance to talk about the exciting times he got to have on his first mission trip. It was fun for him, a good chance to de-brief on an important milestone. She seems to actually rejoice when we rejoice and mourn when we mourn. Which leads me to the next tip.  
 
#2—She simply listens. What I mean by this is she doesn’t do either of the following: one-up your story by telling her own (and better!) adventure or use your story to re-direct the conversation back to herself. With Karol, I’ve never heard anything near, “you think that’s good? Well, wait ‘til you hear this one!” (Actual words I have heard from some of the poorer listeners in my life—God? Me. Will You keep me from being that person? Please.) Karol lets the other person talk until they’re actually finished talking. She’s not afraid of “dead air.” Often after I’ve said my spiel, she thinks for a moment and then responds. This means she doesn’t figure out what she should say while I talk. She just listens, which involves the next important step.

#3—She doesn’t interrupt. I’ve seen her lean forward, her face bright with a new statement. Then I’ve watched her catch herself. She pulls back into her chair and shuts her mouth, actually folding her hands onto the table. She then awaits an appropriate “in” for her interjection. It’s amazing, really. How many times have you sat back and noticed that your pile of friends sound like a bunch of cackling hens, unlistening, growing in volume as they interrupt, speak up, and fight for airtime? When Karol’s around, it seems her calm leadership tends to encourage others to behave in a similar manner. Or at least she has that affect on me. We hear one another. We talk. There are natural breaks in conversation. Times to think. And it’s okay.

Conversations with her are calm and fulfilling. I think one of the reasons I call her a good friend is because of her fabulous listening skills. What about you? Do you have any good listeners in your life? Bad listeners? What have you learned from these people?

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